Happy First Blog of Summer

ROMANCE IS IN THE AIR
Back about 100 years ago, I wrote some ads and direct mail packages for Silhouette Books. In case you're not familiar with Silhouette, it's part of the Harlequin romance novel organization.

I was working for an ad agency at the time and the folks there were quite excited about landing the account and the fact that I had experience writing DM.

As the lithe account executive glided seductively down the hallway, her hips swaying beneath a clinging mid-calf dress, I unconsciously bit my lip. My eyes widened. My heart beat faster. My hands trembled. Was this goddess of the fourth floor about to approach me? Was she visiting on business or did she too feel the chemistry between us that, in my fondest dreams, had never been spoken of?

Yep, she was coming to break the news to me alright – yours truly was Silhouette's new DM writer. And in order to write copy to entice subscribers, I had to read a stack of the product.

It took me forever to skim through about a dozen of them. It wasn't that they were tough reading. It was that I had to hide the books from view every time anyone came by or risk becoming the laughing stock of the office.

I was skimming through novel #7 when I finally got caught.

"I'm not really reading it," I protested as an art director tried to stifle his laughter. "I'm not! I'm on the account. I have to read
them. They're making me. Honest."

I'm reminded of this because of a DM package my wife received last week. And from what I deduce from it, DM hasn't progressed much in the intervening years...at least not as far as romance novel solicitations go.

The envelope congratulates my wife on being eligible for a CASH REWARD and 4 FREE GIFTS. She just has to complete a survey which consists of four questions. Which of three items would she purchase if she had (a) $25,000 (b) $10,000 (c) $2500 (d) $500. The options for the 25 grand, for example, are: new car, new kitchen, stocks and bonds.

As soon as she scratches her choices, she can scratch for her prizes, including, "TWO FREE MYSTERY GIFTS and TWO FREE BOOKS." Plus, she'll get a cash reward.

When you read the copy – variously set in red, blue and black type with plenty of capital letters, arrows and handwriting – you discover (surprise, surprise) that you'll be a subscriber...unless you cancel within a month. That's despite the promise of the signatory, Pam Power, about forthrightness.

"There must be a catch – right? WRONG! There isn't a catch," she had promised.

Well, Pam, it sounds like a catch to me. But what do I know? I just used to write this stuff.

However, I do salute her for her candor in the postscript. She writes, "I should mention that while your cash reward is not huge (it's a buck), it is really 'icing on the cake' because your free gifts alone are worth $20."

I don't know how to break it to Pam but, despite her final attempt at honesty, the cash reward, the free books and the free gifts worth a total of $20, she's not going to find a subscriber at the home of...

Dr. Bob
b_knight@telus.net

Monday, June 18, 2007

PRIVACY, PLEASE
The people from whom I bought my house last year obviously haven't given change-of-address info to everyone who writes them. I still receive a lot of their mail which I dutifully put into my doorside mailbox for them to pick up.

Last week the Canadian Food for the Hungry International sent them a colourful DM package. The envelope is quite nicely done, with full colour drawings of little kids holding balloons. The teaser printed on the OE reads, "Celebrate!!!"

You feel happy just holding the envelope in your hand.

My problem with it? The front features a second window with a message showing through: "Special card for your sponsored children enclosed!"

So now I know that they sponsor a child through this organization. Maybe that's nothing to be concerned about. Or maybe, to them, it is. Maybe they don't want other people knowing where they spend their charitable dollars. I wouldn't.

If I were CFHI, I'd err on the side of caution so my donors wouldn't have to risk a new homeowner learning details about their lives...and I wouldn't have to risk losing a loyal donor because they perceive me to be a blabbermouth.


COOKED UP VERBIAGE
I also received a postcard addressed to some other people who used to own my house. (They preceded the child-sponsor owners by several years.)

Since I don't know where these people moved to, I can't forward it to them. And since it's a postcard, I didn't feel too much like a verbal peeping Tom by reading it. And since it contains some perplexing wording, I thought I'd share it with you.

It's from Saladmaster® which, I learned from their web site, sells cooking items like pots and pans. And as I learned from the postcard, they must be some kind of Tupperware-like organization. The postmark is from Milwaukee but the contact name on the card features a BC (my home province) phone number. And they talk about how I should visit my "local Saladmaster Dealership."

What got me in the beginning was the headline on the addressing side of the postcard: "Win $1000 of FREE Saladmaster." At that point I didn't know who or what a Saladmaster was. But the logo didn't use the word at all. It had a big LC and the words, "Life Changers" on it. The return address was: Life Changers, 230 Westway Place 101, Arlington, Texas.

Who, I wanted to know, was mailing the former owners of my house? And where does the sender operate from? Milwaukee? BC? Texas?

The headline on the back read, "$1000 of FREE Saladmaster...Can you handle it?" That sounded ominous to me. Is there some problem with winning a grand's worth of Saladmaster, I wanted to know.

The salutation read, "Dear Life Changer." But if you'll recall, their logo said, "Life Changers". Are they talking to themselves? If not, and if their products change people's lives, shouldn't they be calling their customers "Life Changees"?

Adding to my culinary confusion, the card is signed by someone named "Saladmaster", with the words,"Life Changer Owner's Club" written underneath.

Despite my curiosity, I'm not going to register online to enter their contest. I don't know, if I won, whether I could "handle it".
After all, I'm not Gordon Ramsay. I'm just...

Dr. Bob
b_knight@telus.net

Monday, June 11, 2007

Thanks very much for checking out this week's Direct Marketing Weekly. Unfortunately, I'm not able to post a blog today. You'll just have to be patient with Dr. Bob...and check back next Monday.

Dr. Bob
b_knight@telus.net

Monday, June 4

If there's one thing that drives me crazy, it's misspent money and misguided economy. You see it in direct mail packages from both commercial and non-profit organizations all the time.

I sure saw it last week in a mailing I received from one charity.

The front of the outer envelope features a beautiful, full colour illustration. Very arresting. The back is all type and makes an offer: open the envelope and you'll receive a gift. Plus you'll have the chance to win a garden kit.

So far, so good. And the sweepstakes to win a garden kit is an interesting idea. It might work really well for them or it might bomb, but it's worth testing.

To enter the contest, you write approximately 25 words about why you're donating. You don't have to donate in order to win but it would be weird to tell them why you love them, then refuse to pony up with a contribution.

In addition to the double-buckslip sized donation/contest entry form, there's an enclosure that resembles an oversized bookmark. It features the illustration that's on the envelope. It's quite beautiful, but would be fairly pricey to produce.

I could go along with their expenditure on process colour if it weren't for the fact that they must have chinzed out when it came to copywriting. I just can't believe that a top rated writer would have let them get away with some of the verbiage on the donation form, let alone the letter.

The front of the form talks about "a garden of solidarity"...whatever that is. The back refers to it again, then says, "thanks to your solidarity..." and later adds, "To thank you for your solidarity..."

What's with all this "solidarity" talk? What kind of euphemistic adspeak is that?

It crops up in the letter several times too. The headline mentions "the fruits of your solidarity...". The first sentence reads: "I have the privilege of writing you today about the benefits of solidarity." Later on, it says, "We need generous people like you to increase the benefits of solidarity..." And on it goes.

Beyond the countless references to solidarity, the letter has problems with overly long sentences, $50 words and a determination not to communicate plainly and clearly. The thing reads like a mission statement.

If I were them I'd save the money on the full colour enclosure and envelope, and invest a little in clear copy. It would cut their production costs and increase their number of donations. At least it will if even a fraction of its recipients feel the same way as...

Dr. Bob
b_knight@telus.net