Monday, June 4
If there's one thing that drives me crazy, it's misspent money and misguided economy. You see it in direct mail packages from both commercial and non-profit organizations all the time.
I sure saw it last week in a mailing I received from one charity.
The front of the outer envelope features a beautiful, full colour illustration. Very arresting. The back is all type and makes an offer: open the envelope and you'll receive a gift. Plus you'll have the chance to win a garden kit.
So far, so good. And the sweepstakes to win a garden kit is an interesting idea. It might work really well for them or it might bomb, but it's worth testing.
To enter the contest, you write approximately 25 words about why you're donating. You don't have to donate in order to win but it would be weird to tell them why you love them, then refuse to pony up with a contribution.
In addition to the double-buckslip sized donation/contest entry form, there's an enclosure that resembles an oversized bookmark. It features the illustration that's on the envelope. It's quite beautiful, but would be fairly pricey to produce.
I could go along with their expenditure on process colour if it weren't for the fact that they must have chinzed out when it came to copywriting. I just can't believe that a top rated writer would have let them get away with some of the verbiage on the donation form, let alone the letter.
The front of the form talks about "a garden of solidarity"...whatever that is. The back refers to it again, then says, "thanks to your solidarity..." and later adds, "To thank you for your solidarity..."
What's with all this "solidarity" talk? What kind of euphemistic adspeak is that?
It crops up in the letter several times too. The headline mentions "the fruits of your solidarity...". The first sentence reads: "I have the privilege of writing you today about the benefits of solidarity." Later on, it says, "We need generous people like you to increase the benefits of solidarity..." And on it goes.
Beyond the countless references to solidarity, the letter has problems with overly long sentences, $50 words and a determination not to communicate plainly and clearly. The thing reads like a mission statement.
If I were them I'd save the money on the full colour enclosure and envelope, and invest a little in clear copy. It would cut their production costs and increase their number of donations. At least it will if even a fraction of its recipients feel the same way as...
Dr. Bob
b_knight@telus.net
I sure saw it last week in a mailing I received from one charity.
The front of the outer envelope features a beautiful, full colour illustration. Very arresting. The back is all type and makes an offer: open the envelope and you'll receive a gift. Plus you'll have the chance to win a garden kit.
So far, so good. And the sweepstakes to win a garden kit is an interesting idea. It might work really well for them or it might bomb, but it's worth testing.
To enter the contest, you write approximately 25 words about why you're donating. You don't have to donate in order to win but it would be weird to tell them why you love them, then refuse to pony up with a contribution.
In addition to the double-buckslip sized donation/contest entry form, there's an enclosure that resembles an oversized bookmark. It features the illustration that's on the envelope. It's quite beautiful, but would be fairly pricey to produce.
I could go along with their expenditure on process colour if it weren't for the fact that they must have chinzed out when it came to copywriting. I just can't believe that a top rated writer would have let them get away with some of the verbiage on the donation form, let alone the letter.
The front of the form talks about "a garden of solidarity"...whatever that is. The back refers to it again, then says, "thanks to your solidarity..." and later adds, "To thank you for your solidarity..."
What's with all this "solidarity" talk? What kind of euphemistic adspeak is that?
It crops up in the letter several times too. The headline mentions "the fruits of your solidarity...". The first sentence reads: "I have the privilege of writing you today about the benefits of solidarity." Later on, it says, "We need generous people like you to increase the benefits of solidarity..." And on it goes.
Beyond the countless references to solidarity, the letter has problems with overly long sentences, $50 words and a determination not to communicate plainly and clearly. The thing reads like a mission statement.
If I were them I'd save the money on the full colour enclosure and envelope, and invest a little in clear copy. It would cut their production costs and increase their number of donations. At least it will if even a fraction of its recipients feel the same way as...
Dr. Bob
b_knight@telus.net
posted by DoctorBob | 1:20 PM
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