Last Post of the Year

There are three local charities that are driving my sense of ROI crazy.

They won't pay for decent copy, which ends up costing them donations. But making matters worse, they squander money on bells and whistles that are not only unnecessary, but likely counterproductive.

COLOUR ALONE DOESN'T CUT IT
One of the packages I received has a full colour photo on the outer envelope AND on the letterhead.

And as if that isn't enough, they've enclosed full colour gift tags and a paper ornament featuring the same colour photo that's on the OE and letterhead.

Hey, you folks who produced this – all that costs money. Big money. And, in this case, there's no real need to pay for process colour. Take it from the doctor of donations – it's not going to bring you in any more money. In fact, it might cost you gifts from people who don't like to see their donation dollars wasted this way.

Then there's the copy.

Let me just say to the organization that's responsible... if you want to raise money from people, don't be vague. Don't be timid. Don't rattle on about what a great job you're doing (if you're doing that well, I say to myself, you don't need my help). Don't write a paragraph that's 10 lines long (3 or 4 is plenty).

And don't tell me that my gift "no matter what amount" will make a humungous difference; that just encourages me to send $5 and think that I've done a wonderful thing.

SANTA WOULDN'T BE MOVED
Another local non-profit is trying to help kids get presents at Christmas. That's a very noble cause and certainly one that's deserving of a compelling DM package. But that's not what recipients get with this charity.

They receive an 8-1/2 X 11 letterhead printed in 3 colours on both sides. Costly!

And what's more unfathomable, the text of the letter is only 11 lines long! Count 'em. Eleven! It's a little difficult to do much a persuasive selling job in that short a space, especially when you're dealing with prospects.

And there's more. In addition to the expensive aforementioned 4-colour OE and letterhead, they've included a 4-colour insert AND a lift note.

Yet they totally chinzed out on the copy...the very thing that's needed to convince recipients to donate.

THE OTHER CHARITY?
They're habitually guilty of the same sins. My guess is that they, too, have the feeling that their copy isn't going to cut it. But rather than invest in more persuasive verbiage and strategic thinking, they fill their envelopes with inserts that are much more expensive to produce.

Sadly, they're not alone. And it's not only in my neck of the woods.

THERE'S ALSO THE MISSION IN MONTREAL
There's a religious mission operating out of Montreal that's trying to raise money for victims in Sudan.

Their outer envelope is very plain, only featuring their name and address in black print. The donation form is so down-scale, it looks like it came off my kids' computer and is, again, printed in black and white.

You start to get the feeling that the good Father who sent the package is very frugal. And you begin to feel for the Mission.

But then you see that the two-sided letter is loaded with 4-colour photos and illustrations. Suddenly you don't feel the same need to reach into your pocket for a donation. You become convinced that they have money to burn...and that you'd rather they don't burn yours.

A LESSON?
It's misplaced economy to buy cheap meat and try to disguise it with fancy toppings – it's still going to taste tough. Instead, put your money into a better cut. Diners will be so busy salivating, they won't even realize that it's been served without accoutrements.

SO LONG FOR THIS YEAR (AND LET'S HOPE FOR BETTER DM IN 2007)
Next Monday is Christmas and the following one is New Year's Day. I know that I'll have other things on my to-do list besides writing a blog. And you just might have a few better things to do than read it.

So this is it for '06. I'll just take this opportunity to extend the very best wishes for the Holiday Season and the New Year from...

Dr. Bob

Monday, December 11

'TIS THE SEASON
This is the season of giving. Maybe that's why so many companies have been offering me presents over the past few days – and good ones at that. Or maybe they see something coming down the pike and are trying to attract as many customers as possible before the end of the year.

For example, my kids have bank accounts at a credit union where my wife and I don't bank. I got a call from them the other day offering me a $50 gift certificate for a restaurant that we love. All I have to do is have a chat with them about my wife's and my finances.

Then Scotiabank sent me a self-mailer offering me a BlackBerry if I switch my business account to them. I'm not planning on switching financial institutions but let's open up the mailer and see what they have to say.

I don't like the way their "letter" starts. They address me as, "Dear Valued Business Owner." I can understand their calling me valued if I'm one of their customers. But right now I'm just a prospect and not that valued to them. I think they're just trying to suck up to me.

The opening paragraph reads, "Most business owners think one bank is just like any other. That is, until they try Scotiabank. You see, we've made business owners a priority..."

Hold it right there, Scotiabank. In my experience, there can be a huge difference between financial institutions. And I have to tell you – saying something like that hasn't exactly impressed the wallet out of my jeans.

Furthermore, I can't stand the expression, "you see." You see, I find it so condescending! And since it fits into the tone you sent with the salutation, I'm concluding that you and I don't see eye to eye. Sorry, no Knight & Associates business for you. And, sadly, no BlackBerry for me.

InfoCanada also made me an offer, this one for a free iPod.

I'm scanning the one-page letter, which is the only enclosure. It's all about their databases but I don't see anything about the offer. Oh, there it is – at the bottom right of the page: "Get Your FREE iPod nano When You Purchase 10,000 Full Record Sales Leads!"

If they thought they had such a hot offer and also could turn my business life around with their lists, I think they should have made a bigger deal about the iPod and gone on at greater length about their products.

Nope. Not going to act.

COPY KILLS THE DEAL
I also received a hefty package in a 10" X 15" envelope with $1.88 in postage on it. That got my attention.

But I have the feeling that the sender isn't a big company and I don't want to slam an up and comer. So I'm going to rename them XYZ Media, then tell you some of the reasons why they've wasted a lot of money by not hiring a writer to prepare their copy. (At least, I should THINK they wrote it themselves.)

You get the immediate impression that the sender isn't a big, established organization as soon as you look at the envelope.

For one thing, they've used live stamps instead of a meter. (Yes, live stamps work great on mailings that are supposed to be highly personal. But they destroy that technique by using a mailing label and addressing the piece to, "Media Director, Knight & Associates." You then know that it's not a piece of personal correspondence.)

Plus, for their return address, they use a label with their name typed on. Not overly professional.

The letter isn't addressed to anyone. It just starts off with copy which states, "My name is Blank Blank and I am the Vice President of XYZ Media in Toronto. XYZ Media is a (type of) company based in Toronto that specializes in..."

The next sentence begins, "XYZ Media is a Toronto based..."

So you read three sentences and all you get out of it is that someone is writing you from Toronto. And that's if you're able to read it. The type has got to be 8 pt.

The accompanying kit folder looks impressive – big, colourful, tons of illustrations and photos, a bunch of glossy full colour inserts. But, again, their copy kills the sale. Here's one example:

"XYZ Media is much more than just getting attention. It is about getting results. Each XYZ Medium is a new innovation that requires very creative consultation to ensure the message is best represented by the vehicle(s) chosen. It is here, in our creative execution where we are accountable and ensure that the final product cohesively fits with your marketing objectives and media mix to get results."

Huh?

Guys, guys, guys. You're in the communications business. You're trying to communicate with communications professionals. Do yourselves a favour – hire someone who knows how to write clearly. And simply.

Or at least offer me an iPod.

It may be right. It may be wrong. But that's the opinion of...

Dr. Bob
b_knight@telus.net

Monday, December 4

I have a question...

WHEN IS A GIFT NOT A GIFT?
I received a package from the Hearing Foundation of Canada last week. On the outer envelope (OE), a teaser read, "Enclosed is a useful gift." Inside were ear plugs.

I say that's a gift, and a very appropriate one coming from people who are dedicated to saving people's sense of hearing.

I also received a package from the Heart & Stroke Foundation. Their teaser read, "Our gift to you is enclosed!" And what did they enclose? Some address labels and a personalized note pad. OK, says the doctor, that's a gift in my book.

Covenant House sent unaddressed mail to my mailbox. (Interesting – unaddressed mail from charities is somewhat rare these days.)

The OE featured the headline, "A Gift to You from Covenant House." What was inside the envelope? Fourteen colourful gift tags. Hey, I consider that to be a gift. I appreciate it and now I feel even better about these folks.

And finally, I received a package from another well-known charity, one that I support. It's OE proclaimed that it was their 2006 Holiday Appeal and stated, "Inside...our gift to you!"

I opened the envelope full of expectation. I saw a letter, a donation form, a BRE and a greeting card that read, "Seasons Greetings" and the organization's name.

"Wait a minute," I said to myself. "They forgot my gift!" I shook the envelope. Nothing more fell out. I pulled apart all the enclosures, thinking that my gift might be stuck onto one of the components. But no dice.

Finally, I read the letter to see if they describe what they were supposed to send me. They did describe it...in the PPS: "To thank you for your continued support, we've included a special Holiday card that's yours to keep."

What??

That chintzy greeting card – used, at that – is my gift?!

It would be Lunchbag Letdown at the best of times. But considering the genuine gifts that other charities sent me last week, their promise is downright false advertising.

And the kicker? They implore me to give, "as generously as (I) can". Right. Like they've been generous to me.

I'm not going to name the organization, because their cause is a good one even if their marketing sucks. But that's the end of my generosity. If they hadn't tried to trick me into reading their material, I probably would have sent another donation. But now?

Maybe I'll use their postage-paid return envelope to send them one of the address labels I received from Heart & Stroke...and gush about how it's theirs to keep.

This counterproductive effort reminds me of a radio production studio that I used to give a ton of business to.

One Christmas they couriered me a box. Inside was a smaller gift-wrapped box. I opened it up enthusiastically, wondering what thoughtful present they were bestowing on me as a reward for my patronage.

It was an audio cassette of their voice-over talent! Something they give away to any Tom, Dick or Harriett who expresses the slightest interest in their studio. I should have pulled a similar trick on them, gift-wrapped one of the commercial tapes that I'd produced there, and sent it to them – Merry Christmas from the Grinch.


GUTSY CREATIVE
BC Children's Hospital sent a very compelling package. The letter is 4 pages long and features full colour photos of their various young patients. At the top of the letterhead there's a partial map of British Columbia.

The donation form also features that BC map, along with a piece of a jigsaw puzzle which is affixed to it. Neat stuff! Then there's a clear cellophane bag containing the remaining puzzle pieces required to reconstruct the provincial map.

The theming is pretty much summed up in the opening lines, "Every supporter of BC Children's Hospital is an important piece of the puzzle. We depend on the generosity of people like you to complete the picture of care for critically ill children across the province..."

It's the most intriguing creative I've received in a while, and certainly unexpected from a charity. The two questions I have: (1) will recipients balk at the obvious cost of the package? (2) Will an increase in donations justify the added cost?

For the hospital's sake, I hope the package works. For the sake of encouraging more organizations to push the envelope, I hope it works too.

And speaking of gutsy creative...remember how I knocked the teaser on a UNICEF OE?

For the record, the only problem I had with it was that the word "this" had been used ("This nickel could save a child's life.') I say it should read, "One nickel could save a child's life." Then nobody can accuse them of sending out life-saving nickels.

I bring this up because someone said I didn't like the package. No! I do like it. It's unusual. It features a real live nickel. I wish more organizations would be inventive and send things like nickels and ear plugs.

They sure beat those efforts that promise you a gift but only give you a used greeting card. At least that's the opinion of...

Dr. Bob
b_knight@telus.net